This video came to my attention about 30 minutes ago, and I had to share it here. Not only is this important to us as human beings, it is also relevant to us as music therapists. Depending on what kind of population we work with, we may see clients from both groups in the dichotomy Dr. Brown created to describe the phenomenon of vulnerability, but most likely, we'll be dealing with people who struggle with it. The video is about 20 minutes long, but well worth it! Enjoy-
*UPDATE*
If you don't have 20 minutes to watch this, I took some notes, if you're interested in getting the basic gist of what Dr. Brown has to say. Maybe it will inspire you to spend 20 minutes watching this... it's worth it!
She begins by explaining a bit about herself- she has her bachelor's, master's and PhD in social work, and spends her time researching issues important to us as humans. She explains that she does her research by collecting stories. She interviews people and asks them to share their stories with her. Jumping into the issue at hand, she states that human connection is the reason we're here- connecting with other people gives us purpose and meaning. She decided since connection was such an important issue to begin research to unravel and understand human connection more thoroughly. As she began to collect stories, she noticed that when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask them about belonging, they tell you about isolation. And when you ask them about connection, they tell you stories of feeling disconnected.
Dr. Brown decided she needed to further explore this unnamed thing that seemed to unravel connection- she found it to be shame, the fear of disconnection. The feeling we've all experienced of not being enough; not smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough, popular enough, etc. We are ashamed of those things we see as shortcomings, and so many of us naturally shy away from allowing others to see those things we're ashamed of. The problem is, in order to connect deeply with others, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable- we have to let those things be seen.
She began realize from her collection of hundreds of stories that a dichotomy existed between people who had a strong sense love and belonging and those who didn't. People who accepted the things they weren't proud of about themselves and allowed themselves to be deeply seen by others, and people who hid from others out of shame and fear of rejection or disconnection. She realized that the one thing that separated the former group from the latter was that those people who had a strong sense of love and belonging simply believed they were worthy of it. She began to refer to this group of people as "whole-hearted", and started exploring traits that these people had in common.
She found four distinct characteristics that these "whole-hearted" people shared:
1. The had the courage to be imperfect.
2. They had compassion- they were first kind to themselves, which enabled them to be kind to others
3. They were authentic- able to be true to themselves and therefore made deep connections with others
4. They embraced vulnerability as a necessary avenue to making connections. They believed the things that made them vulnerable also made them beautiful.
Dr. Brown came to this conclusion: Vulnerability is at the core of shame, fear, and the struggle for worthiness, but it's also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love.
She realized that she had a personal struggle with this issue of vulnerability, and that many others did as well, so she began to unravel why and how we deal with the necessity of being vulnerable. We live in a world that requires us to be vulnerable and continually puts obstacles in our paths that make us feel vulnerable- putting yourself out there even though you may be rejected, trying something new even though you may end up looking stupid- these are things we must do to grow and develop and mature, but they do not make us feel safe and secure. To deal with the discomfort of being made vulnerable, we often cope by doing one or more of the following things:
1. We numb everything- we decide it's better to feel nothing than face the possibility of pain or rejection, but we end up numbing all emotions, good and bad. We find ourselves miserable and searching for meaning in life, which makes us feel vulnerable, and the process starts all over again, become a vicious, miserable cycle.
2. We make the uncertain, certain- certainty disperses fear, and questioning yourself or the things you believe make you vulnerable
3. We perfect ourselves- we work hard to make it seem to everyone else that we have our lives perfectly under control, even if we don't, so that no one will see the things we're ashamed of
4. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an impact on others
The solution, she found, is to embrace the following:
1. Allow yourself to be deeply seen- accept the things you're ashamed of as part of who you've been made to be, and know that you're not alone in it
2. Love with your whole heart, even when there's no guarantee
3. Practice gratitude and joy in the midst of vulnerability and uncertainty
4. Believe you are enough.
